A Talk to Remember
by PARAMOREROCKS and Hoodie
Summary: Poor Zach. All he wanted was something to do, not learn how to do something... or someone. Unfortunately, that lesson is exactly what Solomon gives him. Funny little one-shot. Includes hints of Zach/Cammie, Liz/Jonas, and Bex/Grant. Characters might be OOC -P


**A/N- Ok, so this was inspired by wittykittylizzie's "Truth or Dare?" so check it out after you read this. It's pretty funny :D Ok, so I hope you enjoy this because I enjoyed writing it. Lol the talk is just amazing...**

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Zach's POV:

I was laying on my bed looking towards the ceiling, bored as hell. I had to do something or else I'd die. I got out of bed and rummaged throughout my CD collection to see if their might be one that I felt like listening to, but came to no avail. Then I decided to text Cammie and see if she wanted to go to the movies. Then she replied:

_Sorry, I can't. Mom wants to have a mother-daughter day to "lower stress" sorry:(_

Then I decided to text Grant and Jonas to see if they were free, but came to find that Grant had to hang out with Bex and Jonas had to study for an exam in which Liz was going to help out with, though I'm sure it wasn't just to study. I was pretty confident that Jonas didn't even _need _to study. Agitated, I flopped back on my bed and sighed.

Soon enough, someone came knocking on my door to my relief. I finally had something to do! I walked up to the door and opened it, only to see the one and only Joe Solomon.

"Hey," I said in a confused voice, "Is everything alright?"

"I just wanted to talk to my favorite Gallagher Boy." I gotta admit, he was kind of scaring me. He was sweating and using his hand to cover his mouth. His eyes remained serious but it seemed like he was trying to keep from laughing and/or smiling. He put down his hand and there it was: the smirk he was trying to hide.

"Ok?" I said, still confused, but I motioned him to come inside my dorm. He came in and sat down on my bed and patted the mattress as an invitation for me to sit down. "Come here," he said. I had the harsh feeling I was in trouble. His eyes were stern but his smirk told me that he was going to punish me, and he was going to love the outcome. My throat felt swolen for a minute and I almost couldn't swallow. My palms became sweaty and my heart was racing.

I walked over and sat over beside Solomon, hesitating at first. "A-am I in trouble?"

"No, but you are sadly going to be punished," he slightly laughed. A knot formed in my stomach and I gulped.

"What?" I tried to seem cool.

"Well, I need to ask you something..."

"About what?" I rubbed my hands together nervously.

"Well, um, are you a virgin?"

I was shocked once he asked me this. Why did he want to know if I was a virgin? But knowing Solomon, I had to answer the question, despite how embarrassing this conversation would turn out. And I knew I had to answer it truthfully as well, which embarrassed me even more.

"...Yes..." I said in shame.

His eyes widened and he started to emmerge a look that said 'I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do now'. "So," he began, "You haven't...?"

"Sadly, no..." I tilted my head down.

"Well, then I need to have a talk with you."

Now I understood everything. I was not in trouble whatsoever, but I was being punished, regardless. This little conversation was none other than the despised Talk, which was understandable since I have always went to spy school and never real school and had a Health or Puberty class. My face went blood red once I realized this and I buried my face in my pillow.

"Please no!" I pleaded, my face still stuffed in the pillow. "Anything but this!"

"Do you know what a vagina is?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Surprisingly, it's not the same place in which a girl pees," he said, almost sounding interested in this fact, "They actually have three-"

"I'm not talking about this," I boldly stated, bringing my head out of my pillow.

"C'mon!" he complained, "I've been waiting for this moment forever!"

This kind of creeped me out considering he actually _wanted _me to have this coversation. I immediately buried my head back in my pillow and let out a pathetic whimper. "LEAVE me alone!"

"Please, Zach!" he said with another slight laugh. "I'm like your dad and this school doesn't offer the classes to teach this. And I'm dying to have it with you! It's funny watching you blush." It may be funny but it was cruel. Then I blushed again and whimpered.

"I'm gonna die!"

"OK, so, do you like girls?" he smiled.

I looked up, confused. "Yeah..."

"Well, do you also like boys?"

"What the hell? No!" I protested.

"Zach, I love you no matter what you choose," he said, sympathetic. "I always pictured you with guys. You seem like a boy-lover. There's no need to lie."

"What?!"

"If you ever feel like you _do _like boys, just know you have an anus if you ever-" He started.

"Oh my god! SHUT UP!" I pleaded.

"Just know, Grant can stick his dick-"

"JOE!" I yelled, my face redder than blood now. "I'm not gay!"

"It's OK if you are, Zach," he patted my back and I gave him a look of disdain.

"I dating Cammie, for God's sake!"

"She could be a cover-up."

"She's not."

"Then you could be bi."

"I'M STRAIGHT!"

"DON'T DENY YOUR SEXUALITY!"

I face plamed, completely humiliated as of now. "I'm straight, I swear."

"That's sad," he said, "Now I have to tell you _everything._"

"...I'm gay..." I lied.

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's right here," I said, putting an arm around an imaginary figure. "His name is Logan."

"Logan could _not _have been made up on the spot!" Solomon jumped up excitedly. "Let me meet him!"

"He's not real!"

"Where'd you come up with the name?"

"I don't know, it just came to me!" I put my head under my pillow at this point.

"It's OK," he said, "I won't tell Cammie."

"Screw the world!" I complained.

"I knew you were at least bi!" He jumped up with joy again.

"I didn't mean it like that! Ugh!" I pounded the bed with my fists. "Screw you!"

"Whoa, there buddy!" He put his hands out in surrender. "I know I'm hot and you may like me, but I'm like your dad. Screwing me would be extremely awkward."

"Oh my god, are you kidding me?"

"Ok, so how should I put this in words..." he said, "Oh! I know! I'll go get my pictures! Be right back!"

"NOOOOO!" I screamed into the pillow, but it was too late. He had walked out of the room and I knew for sure I was doomed.

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"And that's where babies come from!" Solomon finished his horrifying lecture. I was now forever traumatized. Especially considering the fact that not only did he have pictures, but he had videos, and manicans. They were very detailed. It makes me wonder what Solomon does in his spare time...

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The next day I slept in to try and get my mind off The Talk, but it gave me nightmares. They had Solomon in them... Then I heard someone knocking on the door to my dorm. I got out of bed and with eyes wide open and scarred, I opened the door to see Jonas and Grant.

"You look horrible!" exclaimed Jonas, my nerdy buddy.

"Yeah, did you get laid or something?" Grant asked with a smirk. Then I whimpered, burying my head in my hands and ran to the corner to cry.

"Did Cammie dump you?" asked Jonas.

"...No..." I cried.

"Is everything OK?"

"...No..." I cried again.

"What happened?" asked Grant.

"I'm forever traumatized..." I answered.

"Why?"

"Solomon...birds... bees... photos... manicans... penis..."

"Dude, did Solomon give you... _the Talk_?" Jonas said dramatically.

After a few whimpers they got the hint but I still replied, "...Yes..."

The room went silent for about ten seconds. Then Grant asked, "He had manicans?"

"Yes."

The room went silent for another ten seconds and then Grant bursted, "Oh my god, I have to see this!" and darted out of the room to recieve the Talk from Solomon. Jonas came and sat beside me, patting my back.

"It's OK..." he said, "Liz did the same thing to me."

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**A/N- Did you like it? I had a lot of fun writing this! I couldn't stop laughing. Welp, please review! And follow! Maybe favorite! Please! :D**


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